Yesterday I started to create this website. Until now I really hated html & css, but this is/was actually lots of fun. I hope I will keep working on this, and add more stuff. I usually lose interest in stuff like this in a few days. Every day a new obsession. It's fucking annoying. We will see...
Today was a kinda relaxed. Went on a little walk in the morning in hopes of finding the cat that sometimes hangs around here, but sadly I didn't see him/her. Other then that I continued painting my mandalas, which was fun. Someone indirectly called me boring because of it. I spent the rest of the day being in my room, watching youtube and playing games with my friend online. The Internet here is fucking terrible. I'm scared of coming home, the real life waits for me there. Maybe I'll just kill myself the moment I get home. I have to somehow intergrate me in a community. I think that'll be good for me.
Scared of going home. Have some suicidal thoughts, but don't know how deep they go. Wish Do and Ti were right. But still, they were wrong about free will. There are so many things I would like to do, but in the end I just don't do any of these things. Stuck in a sick body that ruines my mind.
Still scared of going home, but no more suicidal thoughts. Went out with some friends here in rehab. We were saying goodbye to a person leaving. We drank quite a bit of alcohol, but for some reason I wasn't feeling anything. Maybe I ate too much beforehand? I dunno. I don't have much experience with alcohol, but I'm starting to understand why people drink together, it's a great way to bond. Had a great talk with one of the patients here. She told me about her past and experience, that it is okay to try different things, she did it too and still does. She told me about all the differnet jobs she had had, and the different directions she took in life. This comversation was more impactful for me than 5 weeks of rehab. She really took a lot of fear away in regards to my future. I am at this point again were I'm convinced I will do so much new things when I get home. But I know the feeling, it never actually happens. I just end up sitting in front of my PC as always. I will try to let myself be tested for other mental illneses. In rehab I am doing some kognitive testing, which has shown me how bad my concentration actually is. Maybe I will get medication that can help me with that. Maybe this is the solution to all my problems ...
Just got home from rehab. It's nice to be home but now the real life begins again. Need to find a job pretty soon, probably wont get much money from the insurance when this month ends. I'm scared of getting a job because I hated my internships and my regular job. I was treated like shit. One boss literally tried to rip me off. Without my stepsister I would have gotten only 2 weeks of payment despite working there for 4.5 weeks. When I started studying I took a job at a grocery store. This job made me miserable. Every day I woke up, knowing that I have to go work there, I wanted to kill myself. Pretty sure it's a big part of why I tried to kill myself after one year of studying / working.
A friend of mine recently told me that he took some Quetiapin (probably a high dose) and kinda felt high. Now I am sitting at home, staring at my Quetiapin and wanting to abuse it. I feel like I'm one accident away from becoming an addict again.
first vew days have been good. meeting some friends tomorrow. I would rather sleep long and do nothing all day.
things are good right now. I joined a program that keeps me busy, don't know if I belong there tho. A lot of people in this program are really disabled. They couldn't survive on their own. Some of them have lived there for 15 years!!! That's why I don't know if I belong there, I can live on my own, I am not that disabled.